Jokes of the day for Friday, 20 September 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 20 September 2024 |
A newly divorced woman is strolling along the beach...
A newly divorced woman is strolling along the beach, disappointed about how horribly the divorce settlement turned out for her.As she's walking, she spots an old lamp half buried in the sand. Hopelessly, she picks it up and rubs the lamp, and to her surprise, a genie appears!
The genie notices she is upset and lets her vent before proceeding to grant her three wishes. He, however, cautions her that he is not a fan of divorce, and will give her ex-husband ten times of whatever she wishes.
She winces, but asks for her first wish. “I wish to have a billion dollars.”
Poof! The next second, mountains of crisp banknotes, amounting to a billion dollars, surround her. Her happiness is short-lived as the genie reminds her, “Your ex-husband now has ten billion dollars. Next?”
Her face has started to turn red, but she composes herself. “I wish for a 25,000 sq ft private mansion on this beach.”
Instantly, a beautifully luxurious mansion, with all modern facilities, appears in front of her. Before she could revel in the joy, the genie pointed her in a direction, where to her horror, stood ten similar, magnificent mansions.
“Now, what’s your final wish?”
“I wish to give birth to twins.”
Math Wiz
After writing a simple equation on the board the teacher asked if anyone could solve the problem.
Little Johnny walked up to the board, erased it and said, “Problem Solved.”
The brilliance of humanity...
A man and his wife arrived at an automobile dealership to pick uptheir car, but were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. They went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As they watched from the passenger's side, the guy instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," the man announced to the technician, "It's open!"
"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."
Anthony Jeselnik: Gift for Who?
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me. And I said, If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend. Jeff Dunham: Sissy-ness of the Law
Walter: I aint afraid of the cops around Santa Ana. You seen some of these guys? What, cops on bicycles? How intimidating is this: Alright buddy, pull it over. Ching-ching-ching? What do they do when they arrest somebody? Alright, get in the basket. Little Emily was complaining t...
Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
Dark
Two Rednecks were sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life.One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way through a fence, with its butt facing the tavern.
One drunk says, "I sure wish that sheep was Marilyn Monroe."
The other says, "I just wish it were dark."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Yo Mama so old...
Yo Mama so old her social security # is 1.New Secretary
The real estate boss got a hot new secretary. Afraid of sexual harrassment issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on. So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?" Looking him in the eyes, she replied, "My lawyer!" 
Green Grape Says
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
"BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!"
Burglar
"Get this." said the English bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything?" his mates asked.
"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."
A woman places an ad in the lo...
A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?” A Million Dollars
A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.
"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"
GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?"
GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime."
The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?"
GOD said, "In a minute."
Laura Kightlinger: Holidays for the Lonely
It goes: Christmas, New Years Eve and Valentines Day. Is that fair to anyone whos alone? Those are all days when you gotta be with someone. And if you didnt get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Years -- boom! theres Valentines Day for you. I think there should be just one more holiday after Valentines Day, just for the stragglers -- and it should be called, Who Could Love You? 
